An Ironman's Prayer

Dear God,

I don't think I ask for a lot, so I'd like to cash in on some points and make a few requests.

First, on Sunday August 30th 2009, can you please insure that the mercury in Penticton, BC, does not see any higher than 25 degrees (20 degrees would be ideal). Also, please dry up any rain clouds and make the wind stand still - at least between the hours of 7am and midnight. Please make Okanagan Lake look like glass because it is so calm. And let's be honest, we've had enough with all the forest fire business... it's time to stop.

Please keep the race course safe and clear of any hazards, potholes, debris or crazy spectators. If someone chooses to be an idiot and get in the way of bikers going 50 km/hr, please strike them down with lightning (only a little zap - no permanent damage).

Please help me to control my temper while plowing my way through the mass of 2000 fellow athletes during the swim start. If I happen to elbow someone in the face, kick off goggles or swim directly on top of someone, please do not hold me accountable for my actions. Desperate times.... desperate measures. It would be REALLY great if I could just catch a draft in the first 200 m and then just get pulled the remaining 3600m (hint hint).

If I happen to swallow a mass amount of lake water from previously mentioned "swim attack", please allow my kidneys to go through rapid filtration/elimination, so that I can pee it all out during my pee break in T1, prior to commencing the bike.

Speaking of the digestive system: please turn my guts and inards into "digesting machines" so that I can hold in enough calories and nutrition to make it through the day. Cramps, stiches, spasms, loose BM's, or tummy ache's of any kind will NOT be welcomed in any way. Please keep them far, far, far away! If you can let me stomach power gels for just this ONE day, I promise, I will make Food Bank donations for the rest of my life. Further, if I can stomach at least 5 liters of gatorade, I will volunteer at my local Food Bank!

Please protect all of the volunteers and bless them for all of their hard work. May they enjoy their stale, cold pizza and oversized tshirts (kindly provided by the great folks at IMC), as they deserve the reward.

Especially bless my friends and family who have been such an AMAZING support to me during my training! In fact, because I KNOW that I could never have accomplished any of this without all of my amazing "crew members" please bless them with a TRUE Ironman experience. It would be ideal if we could all experience every aspect of the race together, so I am requesting that we all wake up, the day after the race, with the same excruciating pain, tight hamstrings, raging hunger, and every bone/muscle/joint/tissue equally stiff. If I can't touch my toes, I think we should all experience that together - they deserve it!

Please completely erase from my memory what it feels like the run a marathon after biking for 180 km. I don't need any recollection, whatsoever, of that. I'd rather just NOT know...

Maybe I'm asking just a little too much with this one... but could you please, please, PLEASE pull some strings and make the "Ironman Canada Finisher" cap, t-shirt and medal all come in a PINK option. It would match my wardrobe much better!

If you can take these requests into consideration (you're God, so I know you can do anything!), I can garuntee that for the remainder of my days: I'll never text while I'm driving, I'll floss my teeth every night before bed, I'll make sure my children eat veggies every day (future iron-babies), I'll never ride a bike without a helmet, I'll go to church once a month, I'll help sick people breathe better and I will never, NEVER, wear polka-dots and plaid together.

But MOST of all, just let me cross the finish line for Uncle Bruce, with a smile on my face (*and a new PR*).

Editor's Note: I am aware that bargaining with God is not standard Christian practice, however, in this particular situation, God and I have "an understanding"